Insomnia

10 Things That Are Worse in the Middle of the Night

  1. Illness
  2. Loneliness
  3. Pain
  4. The importance of that thing you forgot to do at work
  5. Dogs barking
  6. Mysterious noises
  7. Babies crying
  8. Late night TV
  9. Figuring out which smoke detector’s batteries have died
  10. Facebook content

10 Songs About Sleep That Probably Won’t Help You Sleep

  1. Who Needs Sleep? / Barenaked Ladies
  2. River of Dreams / Billy Joel
  3. Enter Sandman / Metallica
  4. Dream Lover / Bobby Darin
  5. I Go to Sleep / The Pretenders
  6. Golden Slumbers / The Beatles
  7. Talking in Your Sleep / The Romantics
  8. If You Sleep / Tal Bachman
  9. Only in Dreams / Weezer
  10. Almost anything by R.E.M.

10 Things to Think About When You Can’t Sleep

  1. How you are going to create the next big internet meme sensation.
  2. Some other non-internet non-meme scheme that will actually generate money instead of laughter followed by boredom followed by eyerolls.
  3. When will the clock get to the next minute? Now? No. Now? Nope. … Now? No. Oh, man, there it goes! When will the clock get to the next minute? …
  4. Prank phone call names. Seymour Butts, I. P. Freely, Ben Dover, but also the more obscure Anita Bath, Sal Minella, Mike Sweeney, Warren Peace, or Tim Burr.
  5. Soylent green is really people. IT’S PEOPLE!
  6. Try to use all the two-letter Scrabble words in sentences. I’ll give you a few to get you going: ET, JO, XU, KA, UT, NU, ZA.
  7. How does PARADE Magazine fit so much titillating content between its sparse pages while still reserving space for Ask Marilyn?
  8. If you’re at home, think about the fact that the chances of having bedbugs are a lot less likely than if you were at a hotel.
  9. If you are a hotel, think about the fact that you won’t have to make the bed in the morning.
  10. How vast the universe is and what else might be out there, beyond the black sky and the sun and the stars. Can we really be the most advanced species in a universe so massive? Do we know even a scintilla of the cosmos’ breadth, bounds, or beauty? What is beyond our shimmery constellations? What is above the stars?

Hello?

Hello???

Hey. You there. Sleepyguy. Wake up!

"Sleep like a baby" is a misguided concept. Unless you want to wake up every two to three hours screaming for no apparent reason.

"Cry like a baby," however, is an accurate idiom. I'll save 10 Things to Make You Cry for another post.

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6 responses to “Insomnia

  1. So on target! ROFLMAO.

    The biggest surprise: You make the bed? You even *think about* making the bed? What a revelation!

  2. It took me a ridiculously long amount of time to figure out Mike Sweeney.

    Seriously. At least two minutes.

    I are the dumb.

  3. Don’t worry, it’s just Koko out there!

  4. what do you mean Soylent Green is people? I completely don’t get that. Isn’t it some sort of cleaner? Is this the kind of thing I miss out on while sleeping?

    Also, I agree about sleep like a baby. I will never use that phrase to explain a restful night’s sleep again. so, so wrong.

  5. I am now feeling very sleepy…… very sleepy indeed.

    Also, one of my co-workers has a box of Soylent Green crackers in his office. He assures me they wouldn’t REALLY make them out of people… right?

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