I have a slight lactose intolerance in that dairy products of various forms (hello, fried cheese!) will give me the stomachaches. For years, I continued to eat dairy and have the stomachaches. Then I started a pill to control the stomachaches whilst continuing to eat dairy. The idea of giving up the dairy is unfathomable.
I laugh at the dairy alternatives.
Soy milk. Milk made from soybeans. Why not just give up the ghost and eat some tofu then? I mean, if you’re going to be that healthy. You can buy soy creamer, too, if you dare to mix coffee beans and soybeans.
Lactaid. Appears to be made of milk and then an enzyme added to help you digest the milk. Frankly, I tried it and it was not like milk. Unless milk is supposed to be disgusting instead of delicious. Also, Lactaid has a line of products that includes disgusting cottage cheese, disgusting yogurt, disgusting ice cream, and what I can only *imagine* to be disgusting eggnog.
Coconut milk. First off, coconut milk is a staple of the Paleo diet? When did this Paleo diet thing start? Is Atkins just over now? Anyway, I believe coconut milk may have been around before the dinosaur diet. I have never tasted coconut milk, at least, not as a milk substitute. Coconut milk comes with its own jingle, too, so bonus points for that! You put the lime with the coke-you-nut.
Rice milk. Milk from rice. Rice is cheap. Rice milk is not. The squeezing rice until it turns into liquid process must be expensive. In essence: yuck.
Almond milk. Why almonds? Can you just puree any type of nut into a “milk” product? Why not pecan milk, cashew milk, or macadamia milk?
So in my ever-quest to better health (see Dorcas Gazelle), I decided to give my stomach a break from the ache and try one of these fine products. And while I’m at it, why not step it up a notch and choose a flavored faux milk? WHY NOT, I say?
Drinking some vanilla almond milk off a spoon like a kitty cat, I thought, oh my, this is totally disgusting. But I poured it over a bowl of apple cinnamon cheerios and made it a meal.
Guess what! My stomach and I liked it! We really liked it!
We didn’t love it. But it was just a-okay and did not come with the psychological barriers of drinking rice or soybeans with my sugar-cereal.
Here are some things I think the fake milk people should think about blending into a dairy substitute:
- Cocoa beans — mmmm, chocolate “milk”
- Coffee beans — mmmm, coffee “milk”
- Pumpkin — have you read the health benefits of pumpkin lately? well, I won’t bore you
- Garbanzo beans — chickpea “milk”? hummus “milk”? too far?
- Sugar beet — around these here parts, we grow a lot of sugar beets; they smell gross; they look like potatoes; I think we should “milk” them
- Pigs — so we eat the ribs, the jowls, the loins, the shoulders … I’m pretty sure the bacon people would want to dip their cured meats in pig milk, am I right?
You know what I could really go for right now? A plate of tortilla chips topped with cheese and sour cream, followed by a mug of ice cream. Moooo.