Milk Nuts

I have a slight lactose intolerance in that dairy products of various forms (hello, fried cheese!) will give me the stomachaches. For years, I continued to eat dairy and have the stomachaches. Then I started a pill to control the stomachaches whilst continuing to eat dairy. The idea of giving up the dairy is unfathomable.

I laugh at the dairy alternatives.

Soy milk. Milk made from soybeans. Why not just give up the ghost and eat some tofu then? I mean, if you’re going to be that healthy. You can buy soy creamer, too, if you dare to mix coffee beans and soybeans.

Lactaid. Appears to be made of milk and then an enzyme added to help you digest the milk. Frankly, I tried it and it was not like milk. Unless milk is supposed to be disgusting instead of delicious. Also, Lactaid has a line of products that includes disgusting cottage cheese, disgusting yogurt, disgusting ice cream, and what I can only *imagine* to be disgusting eggnog.

Coconut milk. First off, coconut milk is a staple of the Paleo diet? When did this Paleo diet thing start? Is Atkins just over now? Anyway, I believe coconut milk may have been around before the dinosaur diet. I have never tasted coconut milk, at least, not as a milk substitute. Coconut milk comes with its own jingle, too, so bonus points for that! You put the lime with the coke-you-nut.

Rice milk. Milk from rice. Rice is cheap. Rice milk is not. The squeezing rice until it turns into liquid process must be expensive. In essence: yuck.

Almond milk. Why almonds? Can you just puree any type of nut into a “milk” product? Why not pecan milk, cashew milk, or macadamia milk?

So in my ever-quest to better health (see Dorcas Gazelle), I decided to give my stomach a break from the ache and try one of these fine products. And while I’m at it, why not step it up a notch and choose a flavored faux milk? WHY NOT, I say?

Drinking some vanilla almond milk off a spoon like a kitty cat, I thought, oh my, this is totally disgusting. But I poured it over a bowl of apple cinnamon cheerios and made it a meal.

Slight packaging problem with almond milk: when placed next to chicken broth container in refrigerator, appears identical.

Guess what! My stomach and I liked it! We really liked it!

We didn’t love it. But it was just a-okay and did not come with the psychological barriers of drinking rice or soybeans with my sugar-cereal.

Here are some things I think the fake milk people should think about blending into a dairy substitute:

  • Cocoa beans — mmmm, chocolate “milk”
  • Coffee beans — mmmm, coffee “milk”
  • Pumpkin — have you read the health benefits of pumpkin lately? well, I won’t bore you
  • Garbanzo beans — chickpea “milk”? hummus “milk”? too far?
  • Sugar beet — around these here parts, we grow a lot of sugar beets; they smell gross; they look like potatoes; I think we should “milk” them
  • Pigs — so we eat the ribs, the jowls, the loins, the shoulders … I’m pretty sure the bacon people would want to dip their cured meats in pig milk, am I right?

You know what I could really go for right now? A plate of tortilla chips topped with cheese and sour cream, followed by a mug of ice cream. Moooo.


27 responses to “Milk Nuts

  1. Thanks for testing all the faux milks for me. I would appreciate a full report on each. Please include fat and calorie analysis. πŸ™‚

  2. My friend Karen drinks soy milk and she said that the French Vanilla Silk is the best for drinking in replacement of milk and putting on your cereal. Plain is best for coffee/smoothie making.

  3. I absolutely LOOOOOOOOOOOVE vanilla almond milk, especially on cereal. It’s delicious. I don’t like regular milk at all, but I tolerate it for cereal. That’s about it.

    The only soy milk I’ve had is the chocolate Silk, and it’s not too bad, but I wouldn’t say I loved it.

  4. Speaking of paleo, that’s what we’ve switched to. πŸ™‚ I gave my 2 cents on FB.

  5. Pretty much. I’ve cut out his dairy for the most part. He still eats yogurt and a little cheese. He also still has oatmeal for breakfast and a gluten-free waffle with his lunch. I’m increasing his veggies at meals and will slowly take the waffle out when he’s more into eating something else for lunch and then the oatmeal when he gives eggs another chance. πŸ™‚

  6. Out of all of those listed above, I plead with you to choose coconut milk. And don’t you dare try to take away my gluten. We aren’t the Flintstones.

    • You’ll never get me off the gluten. NEVER. Glutenous maximum FOREVER!

      I think I would actually really like to try coconut milk now. Yes, I am serious.

      Can we trick S or E into drinking the rest of the almond milk experiment?

  7. I bet they would drink it. It’s sweetened almond juice.

    Did you know that you can mail a coconut through the USPS? The fruit of that palm can pretty much do it all.

  8. No reason in particular.

    Let’s go coconuts together!

  9. In our store, I’ve seen the equivalent of the milk we normally buy in a “lactose-free” version. Have you tried that? I was wondering how good (or bad) that might be.

    • I haven’t seen that or heard of it. But I might try it. Lactaid is similar to that, though, and it was NOT good. I think the lactose is what makes milk so yummy. Or maybe I’m thinking of the chocolate. Yeah, the chocolate makes the milk so yummy!

  10. How come I never heard of paleo before today? Family information? What am I – mashed potatoes?

    Off to research – all by myself! 😦

  11. i have a friend who drinks flax milk and she adores it. maybe worth a shot? i’m not into milk at all, though I do do creamer in my coffee. Though I’m starting to think I need to cut back majorly on the cheese, its just not sitting well with me lately. I don’t know if i could cut it all the way out, i adore cheese…

    • Flax milk! They can milk flax! Who knew? Not me. And I did a bunch of research yesterday on things that can be milked.

      I could live forever without bacon. But cheese? That would hurt.

  12. I love it how Paleo just pops up in random places πŸ™‚ I hope your Mom finds some great information – she should start at Mark’s Daily Apple.

  13. Are you familiar with hemp milk? I’m guessing that George Washington drank it.

    • I’m not familiar with it, but I came across it in my research. If it makes you feel really gooood, maybe, but otherwise, I don’t see the point. Is it like pureeing a rope and drinking it?

  14. I have no idea. But unless it comes from a mammal, the term “milk” is used very loosely in any of the above products.

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