I Chew Chew Chews You

Gum always sounds like a good idea. There is something about the idea of popping a juicy flavor in my mouth that is enticing. When I feel like eating a piece of candy or chocolate, I turn to my low-calorie friend the gum to be my fail-safe alternative.

It never fails to be a disappointing experience.

To fulfill my oral fixation, I have tried a number of different varieties of gum.

Here are some things I have learned in my gum quest:

  • I prefer cubes to sticks.
  • I prefer sticks to Chiclets.
  • I prefer Chiclets to Bubblicious.
  • Mentos gum is hard to open but lasts through an entire open forum of both vision statements AND question/answer session
  • Once you find a type of gum you really love, it will vanish from the gum marketplace (*weeps for long lost Koolers Berry Splash*).
  • Wrapperless gum is kinder to the environment, but I can never find a piece of garbage to wrap my gum in at the time of spit (AKA five minutes later).
  • People who chew pieces of gum in even numbers are the quiet geniuses of our modern world.
  • I do not chew gum in even numbers; I chew one, spit it out, chew another, spit it out, chew another…
  • Contrary to popular belief, gum should not be stored behind one’s ear.
  • Gum is hard to get out of hair.
  • Nobody is making a plum gum these days and I wonder why not; the marketing writes itself.
  • Some people say gum helps on airplanes, but I don’t see how it’s going to be of any value whatsoever when the plane is going down.

Recently I discovered Trident’s Vitality Vigorate Vitamin C gum. Now you can get your vitamins from gum! Can you overdose on gum, then? I wonder how many pieces of Vitamin C gum you need to chew in order to quit the oranges in your diet. You can get other vitamins in gum form now, too. Pretty soon you’ll be seeing your fish oil gum, your probiotics gum, and your lactaid gum. (I know this because the gum industry closely follows this blog for ideas.)

My husband (Ben, as you know him; Flathead as the preschoolers know him) bought me a surprise(!) pack of Spark gum. It is quite delicious. If it was in cubes, I think it might be like the new Koolers. Sparky!

Here’s a bad idea for gum. Calling it Remix. Orbit has about ten thousand different kinds of gum, one species of which is called the Remix. There is something about the word “remix” that conjures the phrase in my mind “pre-chewed.” It’s hard to clear that hurdle. What is remix supposed to mean in terms of gum? I would like you to tell me that!

Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting around, chewing gum.

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16 responses to “I Chew Chew Chews You

  1. The longest lasting gum I’ve chewed is 5. (yes, it is called “5”!) I timed it and the flavor lasts for about 30 minutes. But it is not a cube. I think Hershey was the parent company that made Koolerz… if I could turn back time, I would help you stock up! Although, 10 year old gum probably isn’t very good.

  2. Some people say gum helps on airplanes, but I don’t see how it’s going to be of any value whatsoever when the plane is going down.

    With the right paperclip and piece of string and errant left sock that no one is using, a piece of gum could come in quite handy in the even of a plane crash, that is, if you have ever watched an episode of Maguiver.

  3. That was a great post! I think plum gum would be a terrific idea.

    That is definitely one of the great Seinfeld moments.

    • “You don’t remind me of anyone, and we love gum.” All my bits come from Seinfeld. I’m not even afraid to say it. And they actually had a lot of gum-related episodes!

      Thanks for visiting, Tatte! I just stumbled across your blog and I found it hilarious. : )

      • Thanks so much. Yours is pretty great too.

        I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I quote Seinfeld on a daily basis. The only trouble is that my kids don’t think I’m very nice when I tell them that “The Jerk-Store called, and they’re running out of YOU!”. I’m only joking, of course. I wouldn’t say that to my children.

        • HAHAHAHAHAHA. I say that under to my breath to people who cut me off in traffic. It’s not very zen of me, but you know, I do feel a bit better afterward. Serenity now! (Insanity later.)

  4. I may or may not chew gum for hours on end. I think it comes from the fact I’m evolutionarily disposed to graze, I think. Or did we come from fish, or mammoths. I’m confused now.

  5. Pingback: Yogi | Dizzy Whirly Silly Stop

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