Macagoop

“I think you’re doing this on purpose so you have something to post on your blog,” Ben said to me when I unveiled the latest in my line of Things I Have Made That Do Not Look Edible.

But I swear to you (and that means a lot; I’ll even use a swear word:) guys that I did NOT screw this up on purpose.

In fact, I had every intention of making Passover macaroons as a lovely, memorable event for my daughter as I introduced her to the holiday this year.

The condensed milk was without doubt the BEST part of making macaroons. Next time I’ll simply buy some condensed milk, pour it into a bowl, and call it a day. Or better yet, just eat it over the kitchen sink right out of the can.

My mother never made macaroons. She ALWAYS bought the Manichewitz ones, though, because Publix bothered to care about the small population of Jewish folk who resided in the Tampa area, where I grew up.

Fargo does not care a whit about its Jewish population. I do love Fargo, but come on, man.* We have 250,000 people, and some of them are Jewish. I bet even the non-Jewish population could get behind the chocolate-covered matzo. After all, Fargo prides itself on its chocolate-covered salty snack foods. Are you listening, Hornbachers?

The unleavened goop.

I looked up the recipe, and boy* did it look easy. It practically looked unscrewupable, which should have been my first clue that this would not end well.

The recipe from meals.com (i.e., Nestle), in case you would like to ruin your spatula.

MACAGOOP

  1. Gather every (erm, edible) sticky thing you can find and put it in a mixing bowl.
  2. Scoop goop onto best cookie sheet. Say good-bye to cookie sheet.
  3. Pop into oven for 10 minutes at 350 degrees. Or for 350 minutes at 10 degrees. Pretty sure it doesn’t matter.
  4. Remove goop from cookie sheet. Put cookie sheet in garbage.
  5. Eat it with a spoon.

Fresh out of the oven.

Now that I’ve made and destroyed macaroons, I have come to realize that even though the word “macaroon” sounds a lot like “maccabee” (as in Judah Maccabee; anyone? anyone? buellstein?), macaroons actually have nothing to do the great exodus from Egypt and are only part of Passover because we like to eat junk food even if we have to forgo the leavening.

It looks like a hot mess, but it tasted delicious. Seems after we all had a generous helping (requiring multiple cleanups afterward) that Ben deposited the remainder of the goop into the outside garbage can. The raccoons are in for a treat tonight!

I leave you with one of my favorite Macaroons songs: Seder Plate.

I would never trade this plate, not even for a matzo ball the size of Minnesota…

* Please note careful consideration of only using non-offensive language for referring to slang male gender terms. I did that for you guys.**

** Oops.

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16 responses to “Macagoop

  1. You speak of Tampa so favorably. I remember trying to get Teglach in Tampa. I tried so hard and finally ended up making it from scratch – quite the project! Teglach is a traditional dessert eaten at Rosh Hashonah, yet absolutely impossible to find anywhere in Tampa. I called every bakery, every gynagogue, every Jew I could find! Today you have it easy. Never mind the gooey failures. You can order anything over the Internet! Or have your mother mail it to you! 🙂 Next year – macaroons!! 🙂

  2. Oh I’m glad I’m not the only one that has cooking failures! Sometimes I get the impression that everyone else is a master baker/chef – I mean, I’m sorry you’re macaroons didn’t work out ‘n all, but it makes me feel a bit better about our failed honeycomb we made the other day!

  3. Next year I can see to it that you have an entire case of macaroons ordered for you if you want 😛

  4. I had my own baking screwup this weekend! That, along with us posting about the same thing last week, and I’m starting to think we’re cosmically linked, lol.

    • The truth is, I have a baking screwup almost every weekend. It would be daily if I actually bothered to try, but the husband does 99% of the cooking at our house (I don’t know why that is…). But I would still like to believe we’re cosmically linked. I mean, you live in a state of cheese, and I like cheese a great deal more than most other things. That must mean something!

  5. Brilliant! And I was particularly impressed by the fact that you used a Nestle recipe since they are responsible for this family’s weekly pay check!

    • That is awesome! I wish I had nicer things to say about the recipe then. I mean, it DID taste good. Well, the first batch tasted good. The second batch (cooked for the same amount of time in the same oven???) was burnt on the sides, yet still somehow incredibly runny. The kitchen still smells like burnt macaroons. WHY NESTLE WHY?

      Although, I forgive them (you) for everything because of the crunch bars. SO YUMMY.

  6. The condensed milk comment sent me into reveries of Korean coffee – basically strong coffee and sweetened condensed milk. Two great tastes taste great together.

    • My dad mentioned how much he loves condensed milk in his coffee, too. I have a feeling condensed milk is not the staple of a healthy lifestyle. Then again, I just heard the good news about chocolate, so who knows.

      I would love to try Korean coffee sometime.

  7. Oh, man. My stomach hurts from laughing! You made yourself some Macaraccoon treats! I just assume that most of the folks in Fargo are, like my relatives, Norwegian Lutherans, and that explains an apparent lack of interest in stocking grocery shelves with Jewish food; they are merely preoccupied with keeping themselves elbow-deep in torsk or listening to “A Prairie Home Companion.” I’m sorry. When you mentioned chocolate-covered salty snack food, I thought for sure that you were talking about chocolate-covered potato chips. I discovered them in Fargo, and nearly moved there because of that delicious find.

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