A neato mosquito presentation of perspective pictures plopped into my inbox yesterday. After my initial amazement, I thought, how hard can it be? I can do this.
You know what? There is a reason perspective photography is art. And science. And also, I clearly do not know how to use my camera. These things will be obvious in one moment when you scroll down and look at:
PERSPECTIVE PHOTOGRAPHY BY SILLYLISS
I hope you are sitting down. (Or standing up but waiting in line at the DMV, watching your children on the playground, or in the drive thru of a Starbucks.)
The bird is eating Strawberry Fields Tic Tacs. Isn't this amazing? No? Well, then, think about this: why isn't the bird eating ORANGE Tic Tacs? Why would anybody eat any flavor of Tic Tacs that is NOT ORANGE?
I know you're not looking at the AMAZING thing I have done with my fingers and that sign and instead you are focused on how the heck a person is supposed to back into an angled parking spot. The official answer is: it can't be done. I've tried a thousand times, haven't gotten it right once.
More AMAZING fancy fingerwork by sillyliss. Am I going to squish her? Yes, I am. Oh man, this is AMAZING. Hey there. Wake up, the next one doesn't involve my fingers.
Are you currently being AMAZED at how Erma's head appears to be pouring out of a Newman's Own Lite Honey Mustard dressing bottle? No? Maybe it would have been more impressive if she wasn't busy eating a cupcake and instead was concentrating on my photo shoot. The nerve.
Amazing, huh? You know what the secret is? I put the bow on a fork. You probably would never have known if I hadn't told you. Now you know my secrets, you can take AMAZING photos like this one.
Note: in case you thought that the mess of a cupcake you see before you was my own screw-up, it was not. In fact, it was not a screw-up at all (except for the part where I let the kids eat chocolate cupcakes without thinking of the mess of children/floors/clothes/furniture on the horizon). It was a cupcake from Fargo’s own Angel Cups. I recommend the banana cream pie cupcake and the turkey sandwich on croissant.
How did the nesting doll lip balm grow arms? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. But wait, there's more...
Giant bell lady holds up finger holes. AMAZING.
It's Gorbachev sniffing a cup of coffee. Have a nice daisy!
This is where things started to fall apart. I mean, up until now, everything was AMAZING, but then: pig nesting doll with a candle stick coming out of his head, sitting on a stack of coasters. I don't even know.
Then the Sherlock Holmes nesting doll wanted to look like he was sitting on a spoon, but it didn't work out quite at all.
The Alice in Wonderland nesting doll wanted to look like a regular-sized human about to stick her wooden head in the oven. I advised against this.
In conclusion, someone should probably take away my camera and my nesting dolls and never allow me anywhere near the internet again. On the other hand, I do have a pretty adorable kid from any perspective. The end.