News for Zombies and Carnivores

We turned on the local news last night to see if Flathead was going to receive his 15 seconds of fame. He had attended the Venus in Transit event at the local planetarium, and the news crews were out in full force.

I don’t often watch commercial television because I prefer to spend my wee amount of free time in the evenings writing the great American novel screwing around on the internet.

Therefore, I was aghast that the local news featured the following urgent and informative stories:

  • Barbecue grill safety (with demonstration of how to burn your arm if your arm was actually a stick covered in a paper towel covered in Banana Boat sunscreen, which you then decided to stick directly into propane grill)
  • Hazardous plant bombs in small town mailboxes and what to do if you see your mailbox is foaming
  • Two houses being moved from a flood plain to somewhere not disclosed
  • Man with 27 DWIs back in jail after breaking probation by driving a car without a license
  • Scott Walker re-elected (he’s only two states over from us!)
  • Retailers cashing in on zombie craze (zombie craze being psychotic criminals eating people and local retailers are somehow making money off of this — how nice)
  • Dinosaur bones stolen out of a local storage unit (admittedly an interesting tidbit — be on the lookout for somebody trying to sell you ill-begotten fossils!)
  • Ribfest!

Not featured: Venus in Transit. Argh!

Ah well. There’s still Ribfest: you buy the meat and sides are our treat! I feel like this is a mantra that could apply to many situations.

Something tells me the pig is going to be in for one heckuva surprise when he takes those shades off.

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17 responses to “News for Zombies and Carnivores

  1. Oh, bummer- was hoping for some airtime for your husband’s patent-pending invention!

  2. Oh man! MY arm is a stick covered with paper towel, perpetually sprayed with Banana Boat sunscreen! Too bad I didn’t get to see that particular report.

  3. I am so happy you helped spread the word about foaming mailboxes! Bahhaa!

    • If your mailbox is foaming, do not attempt to open it. Instead, buy it a box of doughnuts and maybe large quantities of pork. Leave it along the curb and then back away slowly. Unless you are the mailman. Then you should just have a police escort at all times.

  4. This ribfest is wrong in so many ways I cannot even comprehend it.
    Why do they make the animals look happy? I am so confused.

    • Also, how come here in the Midwest, Mexican hot sauce is referred to as “gravy”? When you think of gravy, do you picture red sauce that makes steam come out of your ears? Or do you picture a fatty brown substance being poured out of a boat?

  5. And they say Portland is weird!

  6. Dana, would you like to buy a vowel?

    • Don’t hurt yourself trying to pronounce our funky local names: Mick Kjar, Amy Unrau, Austen Schauer, Travis Skonseng, and Hutch Johnson with the weather.

      • haha! that’s funny. The Scandavian/German names are hard to figure out sometimes. I read it as Mick Car, Amy Un-roo, Austen Shower, Travis Skon-sing (personal friend of mine) and Hutch. Oh and it’s Dana Mock…… his grandpa used to hit on me and I used to babysit his kids.

        • What’s way funnier than names without vowels (or too many vowels) is your personal connections to so many “local celebs.” Only in North Dakota?

          • Oh, I know. Sometimes I text Travis after his newscast and tell him I really like the shirt he wears. Or when my very small hometown gets hit by a really bad storm, my mom texts Travis and tells him and it shockingly makes it on John Wheeler’s weather report. 🙂

            But really…. I can’t go anywhere without running into at least one person I know. well, east of Bismarck that is.

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