1. Scavenge for painted bison. Come for the painted bison, stay for the painted bison. It’s like a geocache without the cache…or the geo. Just drive around until you run into one of these large pieces of North Dakota artwork.
2. Observe martians in their natural habitat — serving up loaded baked potatoes and spare ribs.
3. Ride the Red. It’s no secret that the song “Red River Valley” was written about Fargo, North Dakota. It’s kind of our claim to fame. (Don’t you dare hit that Google. I say it, so it be!) Anyway, the river is not just for flooding these days. You can fish it, kayak it, canoe it, or riverboat it. I choose: riverboat.
4. Gawk at the Viking ship. An indoor Viking ship, sticking up through the roof of a building.
5. We have jugs! A jug band, that is: Alien Brain and the Jugular Vein. Possibly related to the aforementioned Martians.
6. Eat the Upper Midwest’s best mayoral sandwich. Just take yourself into the Breezeway Cafe at the Fargo Public Library and order The Denny. You’ll be glad you did.
7. Downtown Baby! Not to be confused with Downton Baby, the illegitimate child of Robert Crawley and Mrs. Patmore. The best part about being in downtown Fargo (aside from the historic Fargo Theater, the eateries, the shops, the festivals, the weird nightlife, or the trains rumbling by every hour) is being able to shout out, “Downtown, Baby!”
8. Grab your souvenir newspaper. In 50 years, you may not remember that Obamacare was upheld by the Supreme Court (it will probably be repealed, upheld, repealed, upheld, and repealed many times over by then), but you will have your souvenir newspaper of Fargo’s most pressing issue: those pesky around-town thermometer signs and how inaccurate they are. News, folks. We have it. We have it bad.