Category Archives: other peoples’ screw-ups

Strangest Thing Said to Me by a Grown-Up Today

“I know it’s liberals who are known for being whiny and wanting everything to be fair and equal, but you know, sometimes conservatives can be assholes, too.”

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Things You Should Not Google Image Search

Note to self: if anyone, even your mother, tells you to google image search the words “foot” and “callus,” you must pick up the hammer and smash the computer screen, then, just to be safe, smash it a few more times.

The universe is a big place. My mind is a small place. There is no room for pictures of foot calluses.

The Old Switcharoo

What I received in the mail today:

What I ordered:

 

What Darius told me:

I really want those pens. (And the other junk I ordered. But most of all the pens.)

Ads of the Weird

Warning: possible triggers along the lines of sexual abuse.

CNN is the worst source of news of ever (with local exception), but yet, I still go there every day, because I am, if nothing else, a glutton for punishment. Yep, I even read the comments — which I strongly against anyone hoping to maintain any semblance of faith in humanity from doing.

Today led to me Worcester, Massachusetts, where a couple is going to jail for bad stuff they did to their adopted kids.

At first, I thought the words under the picture were a caption. Then I realized, no, that’s an advertisement. The ad changed and it took me several hundred refreshes before I finally got the Shutterfly ad again. This is just some weird juxtaposition.

 

There was also an ad proclaiming in bold font that “Jesus is the lord” and therefore you should visit a Christian dating site right away. And an ad for Nordstrom Rack, a local college’s justice program (possibly more appropriate), and an upcoming Walktoberfest. So it wasn’t all bad.

Source.

Roll Him Home and Lock the Door

There are a lot of strange nursery songs out there: putting your baby to bed in a tree (thought about trying it); buying your baby a bunch of junk to pacify him (if only an ox-and-cart would make them sleep!); killing roosters in honor of pajama-clad guests on horseback; etc.

But the drunken pervert in Knick Knack Paddywack takes it a step too far.

thisoldman

Direct from China

Happy birthday, America. You might be growing older, but you’re certainly not growing up.

Front page of the Fargo Forum on June 27, 2013. NOW GO BLOW STUFF UP!

ME & THE B

In surfing through various news sites, I came across headlines such as:

  • State GOP chairman under fire for pro-gay marriage stance
  • Hillsborough schools get $8.7 million in state recognition funds
  • Daly City schools to distribute condoms to high school students
  • Unemployment at 4-Year Low as U.S. Hiring Gains Steam
  • United Way of Greater Cleveland exceeds its $41 million fundraising goal
  • Oklahoma workers’ comp bill “unworkable” as written, advisory board says
  • Federal cuts could close Felts air traffic tower
  • Supreme court denies Omaha man’s final appeal
  • Homicide suspect was ‘adventurous, mischievous, with a mean streak,’ middle-school classmate recalls

Then there’s the Fargo Forum.

vanityplates

The biggest news of Thursday, March 7, 2013, was license plates. Sure, there was a shooting, and a big reefer bust, but more importantly: VANIT PL8S!

North Dakota must have the highest per capita vanity plate ownership of any state. It might be because the population is small enough that you can get whatever you want on a plate. Or that some of the conservatives at the Department of Motor Vehicles are so out of it that they don’t catch all of the naughty-naughty chatspeak being communicated through cars’ rear ends.

That’s why they set up a committee of teenagers to tell them who’s doing it wrong so they can confiscate those pl8s! And they WILL get those pl8s back. Yes, they will.

Among the many, many, many vanity pl8s I saw yesterday as I drove from my home in the much-less-vain state of Minnesota to my job in North Dakota (love you, North Dakota xoxo) was one that read 87CUTTY. It was on a Cutlass Supreme. An old, tired looking 1987 Cutlass Supreme. I salute you and your savings account, 87CUTTY.

Come on. Who will fess up that they actually OWN a vanity pl8? Or in other words, ME & THE B, please step forward. I know you are reading this and I NEED to know who you are.

The Wheels on the Cow Go Crash Crash Crash

Do you think the people in China making all of our cheap plastic junk wonder about the consumers they are  producing for?

I present to you:

plasticwheels

Hard plastic farm animals on wheels.

This educational toy teaches the children the dynamic relationship between the invention of wheels and the animals who have them in lieu of legs.

At our house, we like to play The Crash Game with the wheeled barnyard creatures. This basically involves racing your rolling sheep toward your opponent’s rolling chicken and seeing if they collide or not. If they crash, well…hilarity ensues. Obviously.

You Have Been Informed

Two Bears

Innocent looking little chocolate bears that came in a delicious box of assorted chocolates.

Chocolate covered raisins: good

Chocolate covered cookie dough: great

Chocolate covered espresso beans: why not

Chocolate covered macadamia nuts: maybe a little overrated

Chocolate covered peanut butter: divine

Chocolate covered cinnamon flavored gummy bears: disgusting

— And surprising. WHY would a candyman create such a devilish beast? I would rather have chocolate covered toothpaste.

Good Night CCCSFGB

The chocolate covered cinnamon spice flavored gummy bear is now sleeping with the fishes. … Actually, the fishes are in my tummy (as well as the caramel pillow and Ghirardelli blanket), but the CCCSFGB has been banished to Flathead’s domain. Blech.

Freedom of Facebook

Not-so-out-of-the-ordinary juxtaposition on my Facebook wall.